I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
