Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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