the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
