Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
