I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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