Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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