I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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