Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
