i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
