He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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