i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
