Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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