you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
