Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
