Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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