you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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