$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
