At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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