The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think my fart just growled at me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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