I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
try to milk me bitch
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