I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
