You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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