took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
