I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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