im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
