Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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