There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
