I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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