I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
