I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
