I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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