After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
