I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
