The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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