1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
