please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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