I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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