Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
