Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
