I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
