Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i think im in europe. pls send help
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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