piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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