I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
