I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
