Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
