yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
