apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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