update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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