im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
