Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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