onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
