I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
