i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
not ubering you a puppy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
