I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
